dangerous stuff - MollsSheWrote: I know I just said that Nikki Finke was a cat breastfeeder and that...

July 26, 2011

MollsSheWrote: I know I just said that Nikki Finke was a cat breastfeeder and that...

I know I just said that Nikki Finke was a cat breastfeeder and that was aggressive and I should probably just call it a night, but I just saw on Facebook that this dude I loved for like, six months in college (from afar, kind of, except we made out in his top bunk bed once) got married and I’m…

now that i’m back on tumblr (return of computer!) - this is twice in as many days that i’ve read sad/not sad posts from an incredible woman, whom while i don’t know personally i’ve been reading about their lives like, in waiting rooms, in my bed in the morning, while one of the incredible women who have been in my life lately are like - on the phone or letting me tell them which sweater i like with which boots, or more likely in the shower or something (btw - i know i’m essentially saying fuck you to proper comma usage to make a point but it’s like 8 am here and i’ve been up all night because i’m about to open a bar on tuesday that i’ve been like killing myself to help design and all those years of brewery work and such have allowed me to collect a paycheck for curating a beer adventure menu and turned into an incredibly well paying lovable job, while working full time elsewhere, while relaunching my record label, while homeschooling my perfect beautiful niece, while constantly reworking my first novel and collection of short stories, while trying to figure out how to love like people in general because i’ve given myself to love fully twice and sometimes i just fill like that’s all i had to give, while trying to learn how to censor myself, see: comment before, while editing pieces of cassette tapes that i’ve recorded over the years to finally finish the first second dangerous animals album, while preparing for the the the ex girlfriend that we were like totes gonna get married to come visit for two weeks and while she’s here she wants to record an album as a duo which is something i tried to get her to do when we were together like a thousand times but we were both finishing college, i was making a good amount of money to translate books into different languages and she was doing her last paintings and prints to graduate and i would pick her up off her studio floor and literally carry her to our bed and tuck her in so i could use the studio and record with headphones what eventually made up the first dangerous animals record which was about a boy who lost the girl he loved to - we’ll say - the greater universe all the while knowing that she told him she was from essentially the greater universe - and although i couldn’t understand it at the time, we broke up shortly after and she moved to new york, where she was from, where she always said she was going… and honestly i broke up with her because i couldn’t leave just yet and staying in orlando was like watching her wilt and despite being broken up she’s still my best friend and there has never come a time where we haven’t said our iloveyou’s… same goes for my only other amazing ex who i made two records with, played drums behind, and not only one of the most intelligent and talented people i’ve ever met, she’s incredibly humble and my favorite female musician of all time, and in my top 3 total if not number one anyhow… again, while trying to repair my all cassette home studio, while reading “the art of the dark crystal” and “gravity’s rainbow” at the same time and trying to paint a mural that is mathematically sound and also somehow representative of my experience with this beast of novel, while preparing to take on my first manager position of any importance, while perfecting my martinis and manhattans because there’s nothing fucking worse than a bad either of those, while trying to be a respectful single boy who is blessed to have incredible friends and especially incredible female friends. let me say that again, especially incredible female friends.

one of these female friends is on tumblr and she is like unrelentingly amazing and although i think secretly she knows it - that secret is so buried that you’d need to select toad in super mario two (way fastest digger) to help you dig it out while that floating mask was all like “permission to buzz the tower and totally fucks your day up” and then knowing me i’d probably throw that secret in a bar parking lot and lose it to a storm drain and then spend the rest of my life trying to convince her of how amazing she is - which is what i do every time i see her anyhow, which isn’t enough.

another is my best friend sara and although she’s not on tumblr - no, actually that’s good. because i’ve told her enough how dope she is. like super fly, like if she were any more fly i’d have to wave her onto a runway just to hug her. and we did the “we’re gonna date because that makes sense” thing and ended up with the “there are like two incredible things about our relationship, and those two things are me and you, but i haven’t slept in a month, and i’m pretty certain we’re going to kill each other like this.” and ever since we’ve been even closer and there is absolutely nothing i wouldn’t do for her. i mean, she’s accompanying me to my mom’s retirement party - which i am not required to have a date for - she’s just that awesome.

and then there’s my opposite coast girl who i’ve been friends with since we were 17 and 20… worked together, grown up together, loved each other, just really have always nurtured our friendship minus a couple years and i’m not going to say her name - but we’ve started tumblrs for each other that only we can access that namely is just me collecting things about her and for that i and she loves, and vice versa and its really because we never get to see each other anymore - but also because like, not that i currently feel like i could ever - but if we ever got married, how fucking awesome would it be to have years and years of pictures and notes and songs and videos and giggles and platonic love notes to each other to look back on, while knowing we had 7 years before we even started that.

and more importantly - i was raised by the two most incredible women on earth. my mother and my sister are the strongest and most patient people i’ve ever met. i mean, my mother taught me to shave lol. my mom taught me the importance of loving this world and who you are and although i lose sight of it so often - there’s nothing about me that doesn’t have at least a little of my mom and sister’s influence in there. and now watching them both take on new roles as grandma and mother has been one of the most rewarding and eye opening things i’ve ever had the joy to experience. and oddly enough people pick up on the fact that i was raised by two women all the time, i’m sure it’s probably why i’m so comfortable with the opposite sex. i know it’s why i can’t tell you the last time i’ve been on a date or even just giving a female friend a ride or something, that i didn’t open the car door and every door for her. i know it’s why i took portuguese in college so i could talk to my aforementioned ex girlfriend’s brazillian mother. and also why i’ve read enough feminist reading and classes in college to know when to lay back a little bit, in no way do i try to play the white knight. and also probably why i have no problem admitting i know nothing about women, just that respect and listening are key - but i think that’s just people.

i guess all i’m saying is i have been extremely lucky to have been around really unbelievably special women my whole life. i feel so lucky to have been raised by my mother and sister, i feel so lucky to have had beautiful, intelligent, confident friends, a couple of girlfriends, and essentially a wife at one time who are easily among the greatest humans on the planet. just being around this select handful of women alone ( my mom, my sister gina, kerry, emily, abbie, and lydia) has made me step up my game and taught me not something as cliche as how “to be a man” (although it’s true) but they really taught me why i should be a man, how to never ever settle for anything or anyone who isn’t up to the level at which your own heart puts power out.

and the thing is (supposing you made it this far) there are some really special people on tumblr and i follow some really wonderful women and at some point during almost every day - my magic little phone will allow me check up on them and there are a couple of you who make me really happy, who make me laugh, who are incredible talents and writers… and this week i’ve now tried to reach out to two of them and at least let them know that i appreciate them in a (hopefully) non creepy way - because it feels genuine to me… *fingers crossed*

i know you don’t need me to tell you this miss molly mcaleer, but you are amazing. and i know you weren’t really bumming over your story earlier and perhaps this was more cathartic for me than it will be warm and fuzzy for you (but i hope not), but you are the raddest. and it is girls like you that make mothers and women everywhere proud and make boys that are confident and (at least somewhat) put together keep the hope that they’ll be able to handle their new lives when a girl like you comes into it.

and i mean, i’ll even openly admit that you’re funnier than me - and i think i’ve said that twice now… and the other person was the ghost of richard pryor and that was in a dream… but he was fucking killing it, son.

thanks for listening? i hope you smiled.

and yes, it bothers me that you’re probably funnier than me.

maybe you’ll see this.

9:36am | URL: http://tmblr.co/ZY7BZy7Xv78d

(Notes: 207)